The Real Reason They Can't Testify Under Oath: Bible Burns.

Sure, Rove and Gonzalez are afraid of perjuring themselves, of exposing a much bigger conspiracy, and of implicating the president in the US Attorney firing scandal. But that’s not really why they are so reluctant to testify under oath.

It’s because taking that oath involves touching a bible, and neither man can safely do so without incurring second- or third-degree burns.

Bush, the devout Christian, understands this. And with his well-documented penchant for compassion and empathy, he simply refuses to put another human being in harm’s way to serve his purposes.

The press reports that Bush’s "compromise" would involve each man speaking off the record to the Congressional committee. But that’s just the broad strokes.

In reality, the president’s compromise spells out in specific language, just how far away from a bible that Rove and Gonzalez must be at any given time, as well as what kind of protective clothing they are to be given, how often the word "bible" can be used in their presence, and what protocols should be followed if either man happens to see a quote from the bible on their way into or out of the building. It’s more or less a Bible Restraining Order.

It’s not that the president doesn’t want the truth to come out, it’s just an extraordinary picture of  how far President Bush is willing to go to keep another American safe.

And these kinds of precautions are not new to the Bush Administration. For example, it was widely reported that former Attorney General John Ashcroft held daily prayer meetings at the DOJ. But what’s not well known is that for these prayer meetings, the bible had to literally be teleconferenced in from a safe location. Ashcroft himself couldn’t look at the screen. But an intern from Bob Jones University would look at the screen and then paraphrase the relevant passages. It took a tremendous amount of coordination and expense. But no one disputes it was worth it.

And of course, the biggest hero in all this is Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush has begged him to take precautions against Bible Burns. But this brave man’s man strolls into the White House each and every day, wearing no Has-Mat suit, no asbestos gloves, no welder’s helmet or anything. The press will tell you about his "heart condition," but the truth is, Dick Cheney is being slowly burned alive from the inside by the bible across the hall in the Oval Office. An extraordinary sacrifice.